


poems of a burn out gifted kid

by fueledbypj



Category: poems - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Cringe, Edgy, Poems, this is dumb but i like feeling like someone’s giving me attention so pog, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:13:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27755941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fueledbypj/pseuds/fueledbypj
Summary: poems ig (or just convoluted thoughts?)
Kudos: 6





	1. i am not your home

i am not your home.

my walls cannot protect you.  
my lights will not brighten your life.  
my floors will not hold your regrets.  
i’ve tried to wrap your sorrows and your demons in gift wrap.  
i’ve tried to make them pretty and presentable, just so you could stomach their existence. 

even when the wrapping of them gave me paper cuts,  
even when the weight of your problems broke my bones,  
i still tried to hide you from yourself. 

but no longer can i turn every mirror around, making sure you can never catch a glimpse of what you’ve become.  
i cannot hide what i cannot control.

i am not your home.

my door is now locked to everyone but me;  
you are not an exception.  
my legs are not strong enough to hold you and i.  
my heart is not strong enough for the both of us to hide inside of.

i let you move in, rent free.  
i cleaned.  
i cooked.  
i made sure that every nook and  
every cranny was filled with your secrets.  
it became deafening to hear them bouncing off of the walls.  
my ear drums shattered with every ugly word of betrayal.  
but i never stopped stuffing those corners, because you kept handing me things to add.

the truth?  
nobody is anybody’s home.

i don’t owe you a key.

you have your own home.

it is dirty and broken down from all the years of neglect.  
i suppose that happens when you’re living elsewhere.  
but i will not clean it for you.  
i will not fix the faucet that runs from your eyes,  
i will not patch the holes that sit on your thighs.  
i did not ruin your home.  
the damage was not done by me.  
i’ve played the role of an unpaid house maid for far too long.

i need to fix my own faucet, patch my own thighs.  
i need to repair my ear drums and clean out the clutter in the back rooms.  
i never realized how much damage you were doing to my home.  
i never realized how many regrets you stuffed into the corners.  
i never realized how reckless and careless you were to walls that were never yours.  
i only realized all the damage that had been done when the rooms were full of bitter thoughts.  
i only realized that my faucets were leaky when i could not get a steady stream of water.  
i only realized my thighs had holes when others who visited pointed them out.

i am no longer playing the role of a maid.  
i’m a repair man now; going around my home with tools to try and fix what others have broken.

you were not the first to live in me.  
others have come and gone, smashing my windows and burning my walls down.  
i thought you were different, i suppose.  
i thought you’d help me rebuild.  
you were worse then them.  
they did it outright, made sure i knew that they were destructive.  
you?  
you infected every piece of wood, dry wall and tile without me noticing.  
you seeped into the cracks of my foundation until my home was made of you.

you’re not the first i’ve let live in me,  
but you’re the last.


	2. mother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW /// themes of sh (?), violence and general mommy issues

the throbbing in my chest has a name 

her name is mother 

mother often keeps me up at night 

with her violent emptiness and soft sorrows

yet, she cries, perhaps more then i

why? 

mother sobs and apologizes for every nasty scratch on my wrist, every aching bruise 

yet every night ends the same; mother and i in a disastrous fight

every ugly cut and broken scrap from my mind means something to me

to her

to us

because every time i lose a part of myself, i gain the space to fit somebody else 

someone else’s woes and tears, to distract me from my own

mother applauds this, encourages me to throw the rest of what i am away

what i am does not matter. not to her.

all i am now is fragments of those around me, all of their fears and insecurities.

mother has made sure of it.


	3. stupid boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tldr; i’m turning into my mother 👍🏻

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is way too edgy but ya know

stupid boy.

you beg for anybody’s attention, just so you can breathe.  
you cry at every inflection, you sob and you heave.  
you’re on your knees again, but you know she’ll always leave.  
you’re such a stupid boy.  
a dumb, mean spirited, ugly boy, and that’s all you’ll ever be.

it’s because the apple never falls far from the tree.


	4. i guess sometimes i just feel lonely

i guess sometimes i just feel lonely

the ghost of a touch is behind me, it’s in front of me, mocking me. 

the way it makes my stomach feel, the way it makes my head floaty- it’s suffocating 

but i’m not alone

i have dedicated friends, i have a fiancé who’s been around for short of 6 years

but i still feel alone

despite the overwhelming amount of support, that lonely feeling starts to trickle back, sitting right behind my eyes, begging to come out in the form of tears.

i think i’m ridiculous. ridiculous for craving something i already have. but i want it. 

i _need _it.__

__

__it’s 2:21 am, i have class in 4 hours and i need to feel wanted_ _


	5. i wanted to be you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> draft of a song ill probably never finish : thumbs up :  
> ill call this one "i hate the bitch that gave birth to me" :D

when i was a young boy, i wanted to be 

someone like you, so you would like me

i wanted to gain your affection, your attention, your love

i wanted you to love me just like you loved my eyes

the grey mixed with blue mixed with innocent lies

my eyes are not mine, but rather they are yours

your eyes show your crimes, your truths and your sins

you wanted mine to pretend to be young again

i wanted to be you

oh, i wanted to be 

you were so gorgeous, successful and free

i wanted to be you

i wanted to be

oh you were my everything.

the way that you moved and the way that you danced

the way people fell into the palms of your hands 

you were amazing, yeah you were my truth 

i never noticed half of the abuse 

you wanted to be me

you wanted to take

everything i was, just so you could break

break all my wishes

break all my youth

make me into you

all because you knew

that i wanted to be you

i wanted to be 

i wanted to be like you, so godly and mean

you were my anchor, my mother, my muse

and now when i see you all i feel is confused 

what happened to the girl that i used to see?

what happened to her, or her destiny?

since when did mothers break 

since when did mothers learn to raise fists

i don’t want to be you, oh god, leave me be

i cannot get rid of you, your pieces in me

i snap and i crack and i break and i fall 

every time i look for you, you’re fucking gone

i hate you

i hate you

why can’t you see?

i look at you and all i see 

is someone i’ve never met

someone i despise 

someone with my eyes

i hate me

i hate me

i’m just like you

it’s what i wanted before i knew

the truth about your ways and the truth behind your lies

and the way you’d hide behind a disguise 

i hate me

i hate you

i hate you and me 

and god, i hate everything i’ve turned out to be

i hate who i am

and i hate who ill be

i hate you for making me into me 

i love you

i love you

i cannot lie

even if i hate you, even if i tried

i could not release you, i could not let you go

please let me go 

  
  
  
  



	6. overwhelming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 6 years

it’s overwhelming.

the way it burns my skin and forces the air out of my lungs,

the way the verbal knives and the physical touches force me to my knees,

the way she looks at me, eyes intense and full of love.

being in love is overwhelming in the worst way possible.

and i miss it.

i miss the scars of every word said in rage, the sharp sting of tears running down my face,

i miss the way she looked when she cried, angry and desperate,

i miss the way the guilt of every fight sat on my chest, the weight of the world lighter then the weight of my words,

i miss the way my heart beat when she was on top of me, her laugh loud and her need louder,

i miss the way we would fall asleep, apologies said and accepted, the feeling of lingering kisses still on our skin,

i miss the way she’d let me hold her, legs tangled up and appearances long forgotten,

i miss feeling like i had something, even if it hurt. 

i miss being hurt. 


End file.
